Mom-ing Through Faith: On The Big Red Button

This will be the last week I post about Danny Silk's amazing theories and techniques from Loving Our Kids On Purpose. For more information, theology, techniques, etc., again, I recommend you order and read this book for yourself. You won't regret it-I promise!

Before we bid Danny Silk adieu, I wanted to introduce a couple more concepts that I think are key in parenting and raising faith-filled, responsible, heart-to-heart-connected children. 

First, let's talk about the BIG RED BUTTON. 

Dun, dun, duuuuuuuuuuun.

Most parents have a big ol' button that can get us steaming mad, blowing smoke, and spitting fire: disrespect. 

When our children are young, this may come in the form of not listening, not following instructions, doing the opposite of what we ask (demand?) them to do. 

When our children are older, this may take the form of defiance, lying, and arguing, among other things. 

When kids push that BIG RED BUTTON of disrespect, it makes us feel CrAzY because we feel out of control. Therefore, we react: we yell, we bark out commands, we try to control them, and yet, all the while, we have shifted the power to their hands. Therefore, 

we need a way to manage ourselves so these guys will have no success in pushing our buttons, no matter which way they poke and prod our psyche. 

Danny also says, and I love this, 

Your children are learning right in front of you, and you must understand that you cannot take their learning personally.

One of the ways we can disconnect the BIG RED BUTTON is to ensure that our child's problem doesn't become our problem. He/She has to take ownership of it so that he/she can decide (i.e., make a choice, that word we love so much) how he/she is going to handle it. In other words, we need to

equip them to learn how to take responsibility for their choices and decisions--this shifts the power to their hands, which is important because remember, the only human being any of us can control is ourselves.

My favorite way to do this that Danny describes is by using, what he calls, "mental pauses" (aka what I call, "one liners").  

As Danny says, these one-liners are

a way to kick your brain into neutral...they help you to become sort of like a cloud, something that doesn't react-something that cannot be controlled. 

However, the goal is not to shut your child down. It's to empower him/her to find his/her own solution; therefore, your approach is not one of malicious intent. It's one of trust and love. 

So what are these magical one-liners? Things like: 

Probably so. 
I know.
That could be. 
I don't know.
Oh no. 

And one I came up with myself and use all the time with my kiddos: 

What are you going to do about that?

Here's a general example Danny Silk presents in his book of what using the mental pauses looks like:

"This is stupid. It's not fair!"
"I know."
"You know it's not fair?"
"Probably so." 
"This is the meanest thing you have ever made me do!"
"That could be."
"Why are you acting like a freak?"
"I don't know."

You are telling your child, "I am the cloud and cannot be moved....I am going to manage me while you struggle with you. I do not control your attitude or your mouth. The moment I try, I will begin to lose this battle."
 
See how that works? Brilliant! You just helped to disconnect the BIG RED BUTTON.

As is stated in the Loving Our Kids On Purpose workbook, 

These sayings are a way of keeping your sanity, while your children are losing theirs. 

And also

These one-liners will help you stay away from entering into an argument or power struggle.  
___________________________

A simple example from my real life? Okay! 

Raleigh: "Mom, I am so thirsty." 
Momma: "Oh no!"
Raleigh: "I really am, Mom!"
Momma: "What are you going to do about that?"
Raleigh: "Will you fix me a cup of milk, please?"
Momma: "I'd be happy to. Thanks for asking so nicely." 

In the past, I would have immediately gone and gotten her something to drink as soon as I heard the word thirsty. But now? Now, I am trying to teach her to take responsibility for her own problem, and come up with her own solution (in this case, simply requesting some help. No problemo!). My hope is that my introducing such simple examples at her young age she will become more attuned to do this on her own as she develops.

Another?

Banks: "Moooooom!!!! Raleigh took my mask!"
Momma: "Oh yeah?"
Banks: "Yes! And she won't give it back!"
Momma: "What are you going to do about that?"
Banks: "Raleigh, will you give me back my mask, please?"
Raleigh: "Sure."

In the past, I would have barked out an order, commanding, "Raleigh! Give Banks back his toy right now!" But now? Now, I want Banks to try and problem-solve without coming to me for the answer, the solution, right off the bat. Sure, there will be instances when she will respond to his request with, "No!" but then is a time that we could shift into the choices technique or Banks could come up with another alternative on his own. Again, though, the key is that the problem is no longer mine--it is theirs to figure out and take responsibility for.
___________________________

Now, let's be honest here: We are mommas, which means we are nurturers, which means we want to step in and help our children, which means we often want to solve their problems for them. But. Who is that helping? Is that truly setting them on a path to be responsible, capable adults? Of course it would be easier to just solve their problems for them! 

Another example from the book is a child who forgets to bring her lunch to school. She calls the mom to bring it to her. Instead, the mom uses the one-liners to ensure the problem remains that of her teenager and ends up helping her come up with solutions of how to handle the problem, none of which include having the mom deliver the lunch to her. And you know what? The problem, which was the teen's, was solved, by the teen. 

It would have been easy for the mom to just deliver the lunch. But instead, the teen learned that she needs to take responsibility for keeping up with her things and also come up with other options should she forget her lunch in the future. The same could go for forgotten homework. Easier said than done, sure. But we mommas are tough. We can do it. :)

So, there you have it. I hope the summary and explanation of some of what is laid out in the Loving Our Kids On Purpose book has been helpful. Give the book a read, give these techniques, be consistent and persistent, and see what happens. I have a feeling it will be beneficial for all parties involved, of all ages. 

I am reserving next Monday for a special post but promise to return in two weeks for the next Mom-ing Through Faith topic. Thanks for hanging in and offering support to not only myself but also each other, as we walk along in both our mommahood and faith journeys. Be well, and I'll be back soon!

Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. Romans 13:8.

Lately With The Lu Crew

It's amazing how summer days can be so lazy and so busy all at the same time. We are slowly ticking off the last of our summer days. A little bit of what we've been up to lately, for memory's sake: 

The school supplies have been purchased. The lunch box and thermos are ready. The back to school outfit has been selected. And now, it's officially official: the kindergarten teacher assignment has been made. Wow! The texts and Facebook messages that were flying on teacher assignment day-ha! There are TONS of rising kindergarteners in our neighborhood (30? 40? I can't even keep track!), and Banks has five or six of those kiddos in his class so far that we know of, two of whom are already sweet friends. And I could not be happier with his teacher assignment--I've heard such wonderful things about her, and I have no doubt he'll grow leaps and bounds this year under her care and instruction. I still can't believe he'll be beginning his elementary school journey in just over a week, but time marches on, I suppose...as does Darth Vader? :)

Luckily, we have several fun neighborhood back-to-school events next week, including a kindergarten social as well as a big back-to-school pool party. So, we'll be closing out the fastest summer of my life with a bang! Then, I'm hosting a "Mimosas for the Mommas" party the first day (morning) of school for a few fellow kindergarten mommas, which will hopefully distract us (me) from our (my) babies heading off to elementary school.

Raleigh doesn't go back to school until September, so it'll be nice to transition into elementary school life for Banks before Raleigh begins her second year of preschool. She will be doing three days this year, and we were absolutely thrilled when we received her teacher assignment and student roster. I think this will be a great year for her. 

Raleigh is also THRILLED that she is finally old enough to take dance, and she will be doing a tap/ballet class through a local dance school here in the Mill. She already loves tap-tap-tapping around the house in her new tap shoes and leotards and doing "shows" for us; so, I can't wait for her first day!

Harrison got his first official haircut last week, and ohmyheart. I can hardly stand my sweet little gentleman. He has quite a bit of stranger anxiety these days (and by "quite a bit" I mean, sweet Jesus, help him!); so, I was anticipating full on screams and crocodile tears. But. No sirree, Bob. The kiddo knocked it out of the park, sitting calmly while happily enjoying his (first ever!) lollipop. 

 
It has been SO nice having my hub home every morning and night. Not only do we get to spend so much more time together as a full family of five, but he and I have had so many more wonderful conversations and quality time. Last year, we almost felt like two ships passing in the night, but these days, we begin our days by sipping hot coffee on our back porch before praying together as we begin our day. I love it so very much.

Last weekend, Harrison and I ventured to Charleston to celebrate my sweet niece's first birthday. If it hasn't been made clear already, I ADORE my nieces and nephews and any excuse to see them is a good one for me! We had a wonderful day celebrating our precious Skylar, who is as sweet and mellow and beautiful and happy as they come. 

Other than that, we've been poolin' it as much as possible, eating our weight in snow cones, enjoying family movie nights, bouncing away at jump houses with friends, getting in some putting practice, and making lots of other fun memories in between. Just over one week left of our summer break before the reality of school schedules sets in...

The innocence of childhood just melts my heart. Banks was so proud to show me what he created during his "Room Time" earlier this week: "It's a cross with Jesus and that says, 'God' and those are two American flags because 'God bless the USA." Oh, you sweet, sweet boy. 

Meanwhile, Raleigh always has to make sure all her "buddies" are tucked in for their naps before she takes her own. <3

Let's hear it for the girls! I am headed out tomorrow afternoon with seven awesome girlfriends from my neighborhood for a super fun girls weekend! We are headed to the mountains of North Carolina, where we will be braving the river rapids, cruising on boats and jet skis, playing fun games, and eating and drinking our weekend away. I.cannot.wait. for time with these amazing women!

And with that, I'm off to prep for my weekend away with my girls while my hub holds down the fort with our little trio. Have an awesome weekend, and I'll be back on Monday with the latest in the Mom-ing Through Faith series. Thank you again for the awesome readership and commentary--both publicly and privately--we are in this thing together. Xoxo!

Mom-ing Through Faith: On Choices

Before I dive headfirst into descriptions of the first of the techniques that I've been referring to the last couple of weeks, as discussed in Danny Silk's Loving Our Kids On Purpose, a quick summary of what I've shared the last two weeks from this highly recommended book (all bold statements came straight from the brilliant mind of Danny Silk):

Our children are professional mistake makers. They are all on a learning journey. 

However,

For many of us...intimidation is our only real parenting tool. We have various levels of intimidation. We try to convey to our kids that we are in control of their lives from the time they are tiny. 

And yet,

You can't control other people, and nobody can control you but you.

So, we need to  

...introduce freedom to our small children, and...allow them to practice messing it up while they have a safety net in our home. 

Because

When we keep our children from experiencing what it's like to think for themselves, make their own decisions, and experience the consequences of those decisions, we either end up with compliant children who will be completely at sea when they leave home or rebellious children who wrestle their freedom out of our hands as soon as they figure out we've been withholding it.

Got it? Make sense? Okay, then. Onward! Let me introduce the first of the techniques that I think is mind-blowing, parenting-changing, and an absolute must-do. But. Know this. It's going to take practice. And consistency and persistency (ahhh---those key words I love, yet again). And patience. And grace--both for yourself and for your children. 

Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce the power of....CHOICES. 

As parents, it is easy to get into the routine of barking out commands. "Pick that up! Come here. Stop being so noisy. Be nice to your brother."

Aka control. It is easy to try to control our children.

But. Since we now know that the point is not to intimidate, not to control, our kiddos, but instead lead them to be individuals who hold the power and control for their own choices and consequences, we need to

Practice being powerful by controlling something you do control, namely, yourself.

Yes, Mommas. We need to stop trying to control our children and instead focus on controlling ourselves and how we guide and react to our children's choices. Why is this important? Because

The best thing you can do to establish respectful boundaries with your children is to get good at telling yourself what to do and get out of the habit of telling others what to do. 

Because, hard as we try, we can't actually control another human being. For example when we say,

"Don't you roll your eyes at me, young man!" We are really saying, "Oh please, oh please, oh please, don't disobey me!"

The thing is

We weaken our words when we make threats or unenforceable statements such as "Don't you talk to me like that!" or "You be nice to your brother!"

Instead of barking out commands, and thus trying to exert control, we have to give our littles CHOICES. 

Let me give you an example straight from Danny Silk's book to help explain what I (he) mean(s). 

Instead of saying "Clean your room," say, "Do you want to clean your room or pay me to do it for you?"

Do you see the difference? We aren't barking out a command. We are giving two viable choices, either of which we are perfectly okay with our child choosing, and we are then allowing our child to make the decision. We are giving our child the freedom to control their own choice. 

A few key guidelines, as outlined by Danny Silk:  

(1) We give our children real choices when we show them two ways to get something done and either way is fine with us. 

Let's stick with the example above. The child gets to choose whether to clean the room himself (end goal = clean room) or pay the parent to do it (end goal = clean room). Notice there is no threat here (i.e., "Clean your room or go to timeout."). Two choices are offered. The child gets to choose. The parent doesn't mind which choice the child makes, as both have the same outcome. 

(2) Make sure that your child understands the choices being offered. 

What does "clean your room" mean? This needs to be discussed between child and parent. To your child, this may mean shoving everything under his bed. So, he stuffs all toys and clothes and junk under his bed in 15 seconds flat and declares his room is clean. And yet, maybe you, as the parent, were thinking "Clean your room" actually means putting all clothes back in drawers, making the bed, putting toys in the places they belong, etc. This breakdown in communication can get in the way of choice comprehension; so, make sure each choice offered is clearly defined.

(3) Be prepared when they choose Option C and be ready and able to actually follow through.

Wouldn't life be so easy if your child would always choose one of the two choices offered? But often, he will try to introduce Option C. For example, you say, "Do you want to clean your room or pay me to do it for you?" And your child says, "I'm not paying you!" and refuses to clean. No problem. Remain calm and proceed. Tell your child you charge $50 per cleaning (more? less? you decide!). He still insists he will not pay. Go ahead and clean that room. Scrub it from top to bottom. Get it in tip top shape. "Still not paying!" your child retorts. Now, here is where you remind him of the choices he was given. He chose not to clean, which meant you did, which meant you are owed $50. You then inform him that you accept cash, check, credit card, or Xbox. Meaning, he can pay up or you will sell the Xbox for $50. But here's the thing: you have to be able to follow through. The first time you say you're going to do something, and then don't do it (side note: Parents, please stop the whole "If you do that one more time..." empty threat), he will forever call your bluff. 

Now, here's the beauty of it all. You follow through. Either he pays you or you sell the Xbox. Either way, the room is clean and you are $50 richer. But here's the real beauty of it all: I would bet that the next time you offer that choice, "Do you want to clean your room or pay me to do it for you?" You child will choose either Option A or Option B, rather than trying to control you by choosing Option C.

You see,

Empowering children to make decisions, when they are little, is self-control practice.

Not to mention

Offering choices and giving power is what begins to build responsibility. 

This technique can even be used with young children (i.e., even those younger than age 2!). The language is simpler: you are basically asking the child if they want to be "Fun" or fill in the blank. For example, your toddler starts throwing a tantrum. "Fun or room?" you ask her. She will quickly learn that she gets to choose: either stop tantrumming and be "fun" or continue tantrumming but do it alone in her room. Again, you as the parent are fine with either choice, as you no longer have a screaming child writhing around in front of you.
 __________________________
 
Want a couple of quick, recent real life examples from my own life? 

Last week, I was at a bounce house with the kids. Banks was whining like crazy! I said the following: "Banks, you can either stop whining and continue jumping with your friends or you can go sit down at that table and get your whines out. Take your time!" Banks decided he needed some time to continue pouting and whining; so, he decided to go sit down and rest for a bit 'til he felt he was ready to continue playing without whining. Now, keep in mind, this wasn't a time out. He chose to pull himself out of the jump house, spend some time alone, and (eventually) stop whining. I would have been totally fine with either option. He was given the choice as to what he wanted to do, but the end result would be the same: he would be done with whining (after either stopping immediately [Choice A] or whining a little longer albeit while sitting by himself, and thus out of my earshot [Choice B].) When he was ready (i.e., after sitting alone for a bit and getting his whines out), he came over to me and said he was done whining and was ready to play. 

Another example? Our kiddos have the hardest time staying in their chairs during meal times. The other week, Raleigh just would not stay in her seat; so, I said, "Raleigh, you can either sit in your chair and eat your food or sit on the floor next to the table and eat your food." She chose to sit on the floor. That was fine with me--no more of me barking out orders insisting that she stay in her seat all the while becoming increasingly frustrated! And her meal would be consumed. But then you know what happened? She realized it wasn't so comfy on the hardwood floor and decided, instead, she would like to re-join us at the table. Regardless, I was fine with either choice she made. The key was allowing her to make the decision, with the end result being the same (meal eaten; no more intimidation by momma).

 __________________________

 

I think the best part of using this amazing choices technique, aside from the fact that it allows us to give our children the opportunity to practice self-control and maintain responsibility for their own decisions, is that it allows us, the parents, to stay incredibly calm. It truly diminishes the frustration because now, you see, the problem is no longer ours. The problem is theirs and they have the power to decide how to handle it. 

I cannot tell you how much calmer I feel when I put this into practice. Again, though, I think it takes lots of time, patience, grace, and persistence and consistency to make this a reality. It's easier to do what is more familiar to us (barking out commands; using intimidation), but again, what long-term goal is that accomplishing? Using choices is an incredible powerful parenting strategy, one that allows our children the freedom to make decisions, learn from their mistakes, and establish a sense of responsibility.

So. Let's give this a try. I would love to hear how it works for you over the next week! Know that this is now a regular parenting practice used in the Lu home (and also--make sure both parents are on board. Consistency and persistency, remember?). 

Next week, a couple more awesome techniques coming your way!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3: 5-6.

BLOMPS Take The Beach

This summer, we were lucky enough to get to have two amazing weeks at the beach: first, with my hub's "side" of the family, and last week, with my "side." 

They were two weeks I'll always remember, and it will be hard to ever top them! So much laughter and memory-making that filled every inch of my heart.

I wrote previously about our first beach trip of the summer. Now, for the second: 

The search began many a month ago for the perfect house that would house all 21 one of us--14 adults and 7 children--and after lots of looking, we found it! We traveled to North Myrtle Beach and stayed in an 8-bedroom, 7-bathroom house right on the water. It offered plenty of space for our crazy crew and even had an elevator that REALLY helped with transporting the millions of bags and suitcases and highchairs and toys and beach bins into our happy (temporary) home. 

As soon as we arrived, we all quickly unpacked and immediately headed out to the beach. Just like our first beach trip of the summer to Edisto, we were blessed with absolutely gorgeous weather all week, and we took full advantage--staying on the beach from sun up to sun down some days!

And now, my top 10 favorite memories from our 2015 BLOMPS Beach Trip, in no particular order (side note: figured out what BLOMPS stands for yet? I get asked all the time... :))  :

Fishing: My kiddos are so blessed to have so many amazing aunts and uncles. And Uncle Ronald is no exception. He is so great with all the kids and loves spending time with them. This year, he brought a couple fishing rods and fished in the mornings, and often at night, too! Banks was his biggest fan and spent HOURS fishing alongside him, reeling in fish (and baby sharks!) left and right. It was just the sweetest thing. <3

Sunrise walk. One morning, my two earliest risers, my sons, greeted me just as the sun was coming up. So, I hopped out of bed and we spent the wee hours on the beach, just the three of us, watching the sun come up as the boys jumped and splashed and ran and laughed down the beach. It was a morning I will never forget.

Babygate. The year of 2014 brought four new additions to the BLOMPS family, with each cousin being born three months apart! It was so fun to see all four babies together again, playing on the beach and checking each other out. I have no doubt many more memories will be made amongst these four, as well as with their new (boy!) cousin, who is set to arrive in just a couple of weeks, making the tally and even four boys and four girls!

BFF bonding. It is no secret that my sisters are my very best friends. We are also so lucky to have spouses who also consider each other BFFs as well as cousins who do, too. It was such a special week getting to hang out with some many people we love so much, with the closest of friends of all ages. 

Lu Crew. Of course, one of my favorite parts of any vacation is getting to soak up time with my little family o' five, which we managed to sneak in, too, amongst all the crazy shenanigans of the week.

Putt Putt. One morning, the whole 21-person family divided up for some non-beach activities, with some folks heading to lunch, others heading to the pier, and yet others heading out for a little Putt Putt. We were the latter group and had a ball (no pun intended)! :)

Beach surprises. Our last night, we surprised the three oldest cousins with glow sticks and sparklers, letting them stay up until after the sun went down. It was so fun! Then, us grown-ups stayed on the beach for one last night of night fishing and chatting. Loved it!

 

Bam and Digs and their biggest fans. I've said before that I feel so blessed to have four amazing parents, my hub's and my own, who just so happen to be the most amazing grandparents to our littles. While managing a week at the beach is no easy feat with so many littles in tow, it sure is easier, and so much more fun, when you have such amazing grandparents by your side. We sure do love our Bammy and Digby and Nana and Pop!

Girls walk. As per usual, the guys spent one morning playing 18 holes on the golf course; so, another morning, we girls took a nice, leisurely stroll down the beach to the pier. It was an awesome way to start the day!

Dinner out on the town. We sibs headed down to "Broadway at the Beach" for dinner and drinks one evening while Bammy and Digby hung back with the littles and enjoyed a really fun (and tasty!) meal while laughing all the way through.

And with that, our summer beach trips come to a close. Until next year, BLOMPS!