When the World Went Quiet and I Found Myself Again

Caveat: What follows is my opinion, and my choice to focus on the good and the joy around me when much of the world is hard. I understand that what has brought about my following post is, in fact, a deadly virus, and so many have been adversely affected in so many ways. I do not want to minimize the hardship nor pain that others are experiencing. I continue to pray for those who are grieving, those who are struggling, those who are scared, those who are on the frontlines. The following is a reflection of me, and my journey through this season of life:

I feel like I lost myself for awhile. 

For years, actually. 

When my hub and I first made the decision for me to transition from a full-time pediatric neuropsychologist to a stay-at-home momma, I was ecstatic. I could not WAIT to bring to life all of these beautiful, creative plans I had envisioned with my kiddos, being a momma to two little Lus at the time, who grew to three, and eventually, four. I was living out my previously unknown dream of being a stay-at-home momma. And it was beautiful and exhausting and magical and mind-numbing and more than I could have dreamed. 

And then, somewhere, at some point, over the last few years, I lost my way. I lost my spark. Life was spinning around me and my vision became disjointed. Hazy. Unclear. I looked to my left and looked to my right and forgot to look in my own home. I confused my priorities. Our kids got older and life got busy and I just found each day slipping away, the magic gone. And I saw the same happening in my kids: even though we were living in the same home: I MISSED THEM. While we certainly had some beautiful, quality family time, the quantity of that time was diminishing. For much of the last year or two, I feel like we got the kids up and ready and off to school. Then they came home 7.5 hours later, knocked out their homework, and were back out the door every day: either to play with friends for hours on end or to head to this sports practice or that after school event. And while I think a balance of those things is important and beautiful, our balance was all out of whack. I missed my kids. I missed our family time. I missed us. Only I didn't realize exactly what I was missing at the time because my focus was elsewhere. 

Everything felt so fast, all the time: the immense social pressures and the social rat race of trying to keep up and do all.the.things. and protect my feelings and then get them hurt anyway (much of this, for the record, is self-inflicted); trying to navigate and negotiate difficult personal relationships and become emotionally drained in doing so. The world was spinning, with no end in sight. And my family time and priorities was lost in the middle of it all. 

And then suddenly, the world hit pause. 

Be still, God said. 

And this enforced stillness, this slowed pace, this elimination of social pressure and hurried schedules? 

It has been such an incredible blessing in my life. Because I have found I have re-discovered my little family.  We have spent more purposeful, intentional time together over the last month than we have in the last year. Gone is the rush to get to practices or the insistence to dart off to friends' houses. No more is the pressure to attend each and every social event and the hurt feelings that arise when being overlooked. Instead, it has just been US - my Lu Crew. And I have been more observant of each of my s{quad's} unique strengths and areas for growth; the intricacies of their personalities; and, most importantly, how beautifully they spend the time together. This last part is what brings me to my knees: the joy and the solidarity they have re-found in one another. They spend hours upon hours together, outside, creating adventures and pushing each other on the swings and making up games and hunting lizards and riding bikes and throwing frisbees and drawing with chalk and laughing together and just being together. It is my favorite result from this quarantined life, this beautiful time we are having as a family. Many nights, my hub and I just sit outside together, talking and watching them, watching them and talking. I'll never forget it. 

During this season, I have found a simpler life. I have found myself again. 

If I'm being honest, I will grieve this unprecedented season of life once it comes to an end. Do I miss so many things that are shut down, and family and friends that I long to hug and be with, in person? Absolutely. And I will welcome all of those things with open arms when the time comes. But I will miss this unusual chapter in my life, too: that time when life became simpler, the world got quieter, Jesus spoke louder, and my priorities came back into focus.