Three Years Old: A Letter to Bella's Birth Mom

Dear Bella's Birth Mom, 

I have started and re-started this letter so many times, trying to find the words to somehow, some way, begin to express how thankful I am for you. I don't know the circumstances that lead to your heart-wrenching decision that day. I don't know when you decided, why you decided, how you decided, to leave a piece of your heart behind. I cannot begin to imagine how it must have felt to walk away from your newborn child that day. I can't even try to put myself in your shoes, because every time I do, I have trouble breathing. My heart aches, it makes me absolutely sick to my stomach, when I even begin to imagine how you must have felt walking away...I am so, so sorry for whatever circumstances lead you to that place on that day. I am so, so sorry that you have absolutely no idea how that beautiful newborn baby girl is doing today. I am so, so sorry for the devastating heartache you must feel every day, wondering where she is, how she is.  

One day, we will come back to China. We will visit the place you last saw her, and we will hang posters of that newborn baby girl showing her then - those precious, treasured photos we have of her from shortly after she was found - and photos of her now. And we will pray that you see those posters and read our update on how she is doing. We will pray that it will give you the peace of knowing that that little girl you had to walk away from is so, so loved. 

And if I ever have the gift of meeting you, I will share about the joy she brings to everyone she meets. About how amazed we are at how far she's come. About what a warrior she is. About how she sometimes tries to give up when she feels overwhelmed but how she has a family who believes in her and won't let her, because we know what she is capable of and we have always, and will always, stand behind her. About how people stop me nearly every single day to comment on what a beautiful and happy child she is - and she is, both breathtakingly beautiful and incredibly happy. About how her three big siblings absolutely adore her. About how she loves music and loves to dance. About how proud she is of herself when she accomplishes something new. About how she's taught me what life is really about. About how she's strengthened our faith. About the obstacles she's overcome. About how she's made me a better, stronger, more purposeful momma. About the special bond she and her big sister share. About how I could not love her more if I tried. About how much she has grown and changed. About how very proud I am of her. About the impact she has had on so many. About how my life is so much richer and fuller with her in it. About how grateful I will be until my last breath that I get to be her momma.

Tomorrow, this precious little girl turns three.

Three. 

And she has been through more than anyone ever should, especially at such a young age. 

The truth is, I grieve the 26 months that passed before I was able to get to her. I don't let myself think about being away from her all that time because it absolutely breaks me. And I have no doubt that you have grieved the 2 years, 364 days that have passed since you last saw her. A momma's heartache is like no other. So, please know that, when she wakes tomorrow morning, at the age of 3, I will think of you. I will cry for you. I will pray for you. I will pause for a moment of my deepest, most heartfelt gratitude. Because you gave me one of the greatest gifts of my life.

Thank you for my daughter. 

I hope we can meet one day. But if that day never comes, I hope that you can feel it in the depths of your soul: She is loved, she is loved, she is loved. 

Tomorrow, she turns three, and we will celebrate the amazingly strong, breathtakingly beautiful, headstrong warrior that she is. And I have no doubt that much of that comes  straight from you.  

With My Sincerest Gratitude, 

Lindsay