Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Feeling Restless, One Year Later

Recently, a dear friend pointed out to me that, at this time this year, I was feeling restless and frustrated. I didn't know what I was meant to do with this life I have been given. What was I doing here? What was my purpose? How I was supposed to glorify God while trying to leave some small, positive impact on the world? I was restless and frustrated while trying to somehow understand the stillness that was the start of 2016. Around me, people in my life were doing amazing things. And yet, I felt stuck. 

What very few knew at that time is that my hub and I were trying to make our final decision about whether we would, in fact, answer the call to adopt that we had been discussing for over a decade. We were stuck and scared of making the wrong choice. So. We prayed and waited. And I felt restless.

Twelve months later, here we sit, waiting for our phone to ring. Waiting for news that our daughter is ready for us. Waiting to hear that, finally, we will be able to wrap our arms around her. So again, we are stuck in the stillness. And again, I have noticed that I am starting to feel restless. 


This time, I am trying to be thankful for the stillness, thankful for the restlessness. Because honestly, I think it is a necessary part of life. We live in a society that is so on the go-go-go. We have access to everyone at every time. Phones have become an ever-present extension of our bodies, and with that comes a focusing on everyone around us while missing what is right in front of us. 

I am tired of it, to be honest. It is exhausting. 

So THIS time, during THIS period of waiting, I am trying to focus on the restlessness, on the stillness. This time, I am trying to push aside the rush of the world and instead trying to focus on what is directly in front of. I am trying to really enjoy...

The compassionate heart that has developed in my Raleigh Jane over the last few months. The warmth in her eyes as she cares for our aging dog. The pride she takes in taking care for little ones. The sweetness she shows when teaching her younger brother something new. The determined spirit she embodies so well.

The purity of Banks' heart. How sweet and innocent he is in his friendships, the care he takes to ensure that others' feelings are protected, the goodness and patience he shows towards his little siblings, the adoration he has for his Daddy, how much he loves snuggling and reading with his Momma. The beauty of his being. 

The ever-present gleam in Harrison's eyes, the fact that he is happiest when making other people laugh. The way he can cheese like no other the second a camera emerges. The way he wraps his precious arms around his Momma's neck and squeezes with all his might, saying, "I love you SO much." The joyful way he greets everyone he encounters. The way he makes people feel just by being in his presence. His happy-go-lucky heart.

The quiet Friday nights I get to spend on the couch with my husband--no muss, no fuss. The support we show one another in our efforts to live healthy and active lifestyles. The way he loves and supports those around him. The leadership he displays within our community and church. His unstoppable work ethic and ambition. The way he loves me so well. 

Our parents who love nothing more in this world than family. Our siblings who love and support us through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Our friends who allow us to be who we are - those who are truly genuine in the way they share their lives with us, not afraid to share what is real and raw. Our church. Oh, how I love our church--the community it provides, the relationships it brings, the way it allows our faith to flourish, the opportunities it provides for us to serve others-both young and old. Our community. Our neighborhood. Our home. 

Waiting can be hard. It can be so, so hard. It IS so, so hard. But this time, I am embracing the restlessness and the stillness and somehow finding...peace. 

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10.

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