Thursday, February 11, 2016

When You're Ready to Dive, But There's Nowhere to Jump

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10.
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I have been in a confusing, introspective place recently. A place where I am ready to dive in to whatever waters God wants me to swim. I have prayed, fervently, "I am ready, God. Show me the way. Show me the path you want me to take to best honor you, to be a disciple for you, to give back to this world, to make a difference. I am ready, Lord. My heart, eyes, and ears are open. Show me the way." Day after day, week after week, month after month, I have prayed this prayer.

What's more, my hub and I have been praying for guidance, and seeking counsel from trusted friends and family, on a potentially life-changing decision. I have prayed for clarity and waited for the answer. But. None has come. Yet. 

So. We pray and we wait. Pray and wait. And wait and wait and wait. 

And here is what is clear to me, after months of praying and waiting for answers:

Be still and know that I am God.
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I am foolish. I want things done on my timeline. I want my prayers answered when I think they should be answered. I want to know my path now, RIGHT NOW. I am tired of waiting. I want to know. I want to know right now. I am foolish.

I don't get to choose when my prayers are answered, when clarity is offered. Instead, I must wait. Diligently. Patiently. Constantly. And remember

Be still and know that I am God.
____________________________

All around me--for family members, for much-loved friends--big things are happening. Babies are on the way, both biologically and through adoption. Gifts and talents are being used as platforms to give to others--for locals in need, for hospitalized children. Bible study groups are being created and cultivated.

It is amazing to see. It is beautiful to see. To watch as my village--my closest family and friends--challenge themselves and give back in so many amazing ways. Nothing makes me prouder than to know them and love them. And all to God's glory.

But honestly? It has made me feel...inadequate. I want to give back. I am READY to give back. I want to DIVE IN. What can I do? How can I help? How can I use the specific gifts the Lord has given me to give back? How can I glorify God? "I am ready, God. Show me the way. What do YOU want me to do with my life?" 

So. I have prayed. And waited. 

Be still and know that I am God.
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It has been humbling. Being so incredibly proud of my family, of my beloved friends--for the steps they are taking to glorify God. Using their gifts. Making a difference. It is a sight to see. But also...humbling. Because I am ready. But the response has been...silence. 

And then, last Sunday happened. At church. When I was praying hard during worship. Again. The same sentiment I have been praying. Again. "I am ready, God. Show me the way. What should I do to honor you? What can I do to glorify you? I am ready." And the verse suddenly, and as clear as day, appeared in my head:

Be still and know that I am God.
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When the service concluded, I kissed my hub goodbye as he took our babies home. Meanwhile, I stayed to volunteer in our church's children's program during the next service. There would be a new Bible verse for the children to learn, we were informed. And, while sitting in a room with the rest of the adorable preschoolers and class leaders, the verse popped up on the screen: 

Be still and know that I am God.
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Finally, it hit me. 

This is a season of quiet for me. This is a season where I am meant to support those in my life whom I adore, those who are doing BIG things for the Lord--my family and friends welcoming in new life, my dear friends supporting those in need by organizing efforts to help our community and start Life Groups. This is THEIR time to shine. It is my time to support them. It is my time to

Be still and know that I am God.
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So. I love and support the best way I can. While my hub and I wait for clarity on our prayers as to where our life will go, what our path will look life, I offer my greatest love, support, devotion, and admiration to those around me, glorifying God in their beautiful journeys, while doing whatever I can to make them shine brightly for our Lord. This is my time to be still. This is their time to shine.

Meanwhile, I will continue to pray. And wait. And do my best to remember to 

Be still and know that I am God.


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