Being Overwhelmed By The Overwhelming

I am going to be totally honest. 

Often times these days, I feel completely overwhelmed. By so many things. For me, writing is therapeutic. It's a big part of the way I process things. And, I don't want my little space here to look like this beautiful highlight REEL of life. I want it to be REAL, too. So, here I am. Keeping it real. I want to be able to read back over these posts and vividly remember how I felt during this specific time. And while I feel overjoyed, blessed, and so, SO lucky for the path God chose us to walk, I also feel overwhelmed. Things that are overwhelming me these days? For the love. Here we go:

• It's trying to schedule and maintain Bella's busy, weekly therapy schedule. It's ensuring I do my best to do all the suggestions and exercises our therapists give us because THAT is what is going to help her development the most...strike that. LOVE is what is going to help her the most. But the therapies are a close second :) - using what we are taught throughout the week. This is one of my greatest priorities right now, and I will do absolutely everything in my power to help our daughter. But still, it can be overwhelming.

• It's trying to divide my attention and love between four children, while trying to be cognizant of who feels depleted on Momma time and who needs extra attention at any given moment.

• It's trying to ensure all the glory is given to God, for every part of my life and story. I am so open about our adoption because adoption is AMAZING. It is such a beautiful love story. It is so, so, SO hard in so many ways, but the beauty of it all completely outweighs the hardships. And all of it, all of the beauty, is owed solely to God. I try my best to make this clear and try to ensure all glory is given to Him.  

• It's trying not to freak the freak out over significant, unexpected out-of-pocket healthcare costs. Side note: Last week, I prayed hard about this to God, as we are facing a big, expensive surgery soon and costs are looming. The very next day, my prayers were answered. Our God is a good, good God.

• It's trying to manage my anxiety about Bella's present and future functioning. You know what worrying helps? Nothing, that's what. But it is a battle to keep it a bay, at times.

• It's trying to check off the bazillion other things that are on the to-do list of any momma, much less a momma of four, much less a momma of a child with special needs. Over.whelming. Side note: I know that we are ALL busy - whether we work full time or part time or work from home or stay at home. In no way do I think I am busier than anyone else! But the busy-ness of our schedule these days can be daunting. 

• It's trying to keep calm and carry on when my hub is traveling. 

• It's trying to make sure Bella knows she is loved and safe and secure. It's trying to help her feel safe when other adults are around.

• It's trying to maintain a clean, clutter-free home; to make sure all laundry is done and put away by the weekend; to empty the dishwasher; to put some sort of meal on the table for the five people who are waiting for it; to make sure closets have seasonal clothes and shoes that fit; to be a homemaker. Note: I know, I know. These are minor things to most. These are things that are meaningless compared to the other things. These are things that should be put on the backburner for now. But here's the thing: I have anxiety and it increases substantially when my home feels out of control and cluttered. So, this is important to me. 

• It's trying to not wear clothes from five years ago that have holes in them because I don't have time to shop for myself and feel guilty doing it anyway. Yes, my hub encourages me to shop for myself all the time! It's my own issues that get in the way.

• It's trying not to feel guilty that I can't be Room Mom nor volunteer at all this Fall, in my children's classrooms. Our teachers deserve all the help and support they can get, and as a stay-at-home mom, I consider this part of my job; so, it is really hard to not be able to offer that to them right now.  

• It's trying to give the care, love, support, and attention so needed to someone who has been weathering a nightmare since the beginning of this year. And to mourn the loss of another.

• It's praying and worrying over people I love with scary diagnoses.

• It's trying to be at least a decent friend to all those I love and adore. My friendships mean the WORLD to me. And I often feel like I don't do enough.

• It's trying to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to those who have stepped up, stepped in, stepped alongside, to support us since we've brought our Bella home. It's feeling like there are not enough thank yous in the world for these people. The last two months have really highlighted the people who have our back, and I will be forever grateful for them. 

• It's trying so hard not to feel so hurt by people who have hurt my heart over the last two months. It's also trying to be less sensitive, less judgy, and more understanding. 

• It's feeling guilty over the fact that, at the end of the day, when I finally get quiet time with my husband, I am often too exhausted to even talk. It's not being able to make him a priority right now. It's feeling like I don't compare to the amazing, supportive husband that he is. It's not adequately being able to thank him for all he does for me, our kids, our family, our friends, our community.

• It's trying to find my me time - to not feel guilty when I go for my morning runs or sneak in a naptime or weekend barre class.

• It's trying not to curse at our aging dog when he wakes us up in the middle of the night, again, because he is thirsty.

• It's trying to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. Jesus, take the wheel.

This is hard. This is overwhelming. But. This too shall pass. 

And honestly, I wouldn't change it (well most of it. Some of it I would definitely change). Life has taught me that character is made in the challenging moments. That life is short and even when it feels overwhelming, it is a beautiful gift. It has taught me to treasure the people who have been with us, each step of the way. I know that I need to cut myself some slack, and lower my self-standards at times. To stop feeling guilty over all.the.things. But I am a perfectionist and it's hard! I also know that God has blessed us with four beautiful, amazing children, and that He is walking alongside us through this life we get to share together. 

So. Overwhelmed? Yes. Absolutely. But grateful and blessed beyond measure? Yes. Absolutely. Onward, we march.