Bittersweetness

When I was 9 years old, I experienced a fate that no child should ever have to endure, one that would change the course of my life. The unexpected and tragic loss of a parent.

I have absolutely no doubt that it was this circumstance that ultimately lead me to pursue a career in which I could help children and adolescents on a daily basis. It took a long time, many, many years of dedicated studying, and sacrifice on both my and my hub's part, but I finally achieved my goal in 2008. I obtained my doctorate in child clinical psychology. 

Throughout my training and professional career, I have worked with hundreds of children, some with very complicated medical histories; some who have experienced unspeakable tragedies; all whom were in need of help in one way or another. And I feel blessed to say that I have been lucky enough to help these children in some form or fashion through therapy and assessment. I have smiled with families, cried with families, and become connected to so many. It has been an extremely rewarding career. One I feel that I was destined to pursue.

And yet. 

Tomorrow, I will close that chapter of my life...at least for awhile.

Tomorrow, I will say good-bye to people that I have studied under, trained with, learned from, collaborated with, taught to, consulted with, and experienced life with. I will close the door to my office one last time, knowing that I have gained a lifetime of experience in the 8 years that I have been affiliated there and remembering each of the life-changing memories I hold so dear.

I will be sad to say good-bye to the colleagues and staff members with whom I work, each of whom I am lucky enough to call my friend. While packing away the hundreds of books and journal articles that have decorated the shelves in my personal office, I will also be packing away the precious moments of my life I have spent within those hospital walls. 

Yes, it will be bittersweet. In large part bitter.

But even moreso, sweet. 

Because after tomorrow, I will be a stay-at-home momma. 

Honestly? It is a role I never thought I wanted. I always envisioned myself as a full-time working momma, probably because I always wanted to avoid the position my own momma was suddenly thrust  into after being a stay-at-home momma for over 10 years. She was a momma who unexpectedly had to return to the workforce in order to support her four young children. She continues to work in that same job today.

As an adult, I assured myself I would work full-time, even after having children, so I would never be put in that position. And I have been a full-time working momma for almost 3 years now, ever since my sweet Banks was born.

But things are different now. Maybe it's because my little buddy is growing at lightning speed and I don't want to miss so much of the next 3 years of his life. Maybe it's because the birth of my daughter has reiterated that these young years are fleeting, precious, priceless. My heart aches more than it ever has before when I am away from them, and I think of little else besides them all day. Throw a traveling husband into the mix and things get really, really tough. 

All that to say, a new dream is coming true for me tomorrow.

 

This dream would not be possible without my hub and his willingness and ability to take on the full financial burden of our family. I will be grateful for his sacrifices for the rest of my life. 

So, bittersweet? Yes. But as I said, much, much sweeter than bitter.