Sunday, July 28, 2013

Sometimes It's Hard

It is easier for me to deal with hard things by not dealing with them at all. 

There are certain dates, certain situations, certain events, that are just HARD based on my own childhood and life experiences. 

These things? I just can't think about them too long. I can't let myself get lost in thought about the couldas, shouldas, or wouldas. I can't let myself experience the full extent of emotion that I feel tugging on my heart, begging to force it's way into my life. Because the truth is? I worry I will crumble under it.

So. I put up this barrier. And it's strange-I can actually feel myself physically building this barrier around my heart. It's my own form of self-preservation, of self-protection. And then I force myself not to think about what's going on around me and what's trying to invade my heart. 

It's not healthy to not deal with these things. I mean, good Lord, I have a doctorate in psychology. I know what is healthy coping. I know what is unhealthy coping. But. I don't want to cope sometimes. Sometimes, I just want to shut off my thinking, build up my barrier, and escape into the easy.

One day, I'll face it all.

But not today. 

Today, I'll focus on the sunshine, of the beautiful life I'm living, of the love and laughter that surrounds me. And breathe deeper knowing my heart is safe for now.

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